tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10682295269331396742024-03-08T09:41:51.921+00:00I write in blood...A place to share the poetry I write. My poetry tends towards the dark and depressing side of life. Saying that, I am of the opinion that there's often a glimmer of light to be found in all that is dark and I try to reflect that in my writing. Enjoy xChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-90307699004107614562018-01-07T11:59:00.002+00:002018-03-24T18:37:27.812+00:00Anxiety and I<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: 19px;">There are rules in my head.</span><br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Rules that suffocate me,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Rules that control me,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Rules that define me.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
My anxiety tells me:</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
When I can talk;</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Who I can talk to;</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
When I can text;</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Who I can text;</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
How I can phrase my words;</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Who I can be relaxed with;</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
When I can reach out;</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Who I can reach out to;</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
When I can post;</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
What I can post about;</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
When I can reply to people;</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
What I can say;</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
When I can go out;</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Where I can go.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Anxiety is in control,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I don’t have the power.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Anxiety rules my life,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Every single hour.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
My life isn’t mine,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
It never has been.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
People don’t understand, </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
My anxiety often can’t be seen.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Anxiety takes over</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
And tells me what to do.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
If I don’t keep the rules</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Bad things’ll happen to you, </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Or me, or them, or the world.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Don’t tell me to stay calm,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Don’t tell me not to panic.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Just be there for me,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
And help me get through it.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
So if I haven’t spoken</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
to you for a while,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
And you feel forgotten,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
or ignored.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Know that it’s my anxiety</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
that stops me.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
It’s not that I don’t care,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I do, very much.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
And I hate myself for it,</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
But I can’t change.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Not now anyway.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Maybe one day.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Maybe one day </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
you’ll care enough </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
to reach out to me</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
And then the rules won’t stop me.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Maybe one day.</div>
Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-4588939112901125512017-12-14T07:39:00.001+00:002017-12-14T07:39:26.619+00:00Loneliness is the real killer<span style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">It’s my birthday in a few days and I’m sad, I’m angry, and I’m confused.</span><br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I know that I haven’t been the best friend. I’ve been uncommunicative. I barely leave the house. I don’t go to meet ups. In fact, I don’t really do anything but go to appointments.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
It might sound lazy but I’ve been this way for a while as a result of the pain and fatigue that come along with my genetic connective tissue disorder. I can’t walk much any more so I use a wheelchair to get around. I’m not strong enough to wheel myself so someone else almost always has to push me. I’m not allowed to drive because of my fainting so I need a chauffeur. I get exhausted and overwhelmed very quickly due to sensory overload and the stress of trying not to faint. Every time I exert myself to attend a function, or even an appointment, I am laid up for days afterwards with excessive pain and fatigue that have me moving like a 120 year old and napping like a 2 month old.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I’m almost 31, I have no life, I have no hope, I have no strength.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I can’t keep fighting for people to take notice of me. I can’t keep fighting to remind people that I exist. I can’t keep fighting to keep people in my life. I just can’t keep doing it.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I’ve tried to reach out. I’ve tried to make my feelings clear. I’ve tried to tell people how difficult I’ve found things. I’ve tried to carry on and not let things affect me.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I’m not happy in my isolated little bubble but it’s better than being ignored. It’s better than getting my hopes up and having them dashed. It’s better than the anxiety when people don’t respond. It’s better than feeling depressed when people I thought were my friends don’t seem to care about me anymore. Life alone is better than life full of rejections.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
With everything my health has taken away from me, my ability to walk, my ability to work, my independence, my sense of self worth, this hurts the most. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 19px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
I miss my old life, I miss my “good health”, I miss feeling like a person, but most of all, I miss my friends.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-79831598508883619812014-05-17T19:38:00.001+01:002014-05-17T19:38:48.874+01:00Grief consumes meThere is something lacking<div>Within my soul</div><div>I feel an emptiness</div><div>Where it should be whole.</div><div><br></div><div>I know not what</div><div>I know not why</div><div>I know not how</div><div><br></div><div>I can't identify what I feel</div><div>I don't know how to feel</div><div>I am scared to feel</div><div>And so I block feelings from me</div><div><br></div><div>So all I feel is empty</div><div>And an all consuming grief</div><div>Grief for what could have been</div><div>Grief for what I have done</div><div><br></div><div>I don't know how t<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">o be a friend</span></div><div>I lose them all the time</div><div>I<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> don't know what it is I do</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">That pushes them away</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I know not what</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I know not why</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I know not how</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">All I feel is sadness</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">It grips me with it's claws</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Digging ever deeper</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Scraping at my sores</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">So here I sit with a tear in my eye</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">And a broken, empty heart</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I need to become a better person</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I need to make a fresh start.</span></div>Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-712090100523162242013-09-17T19:02:00.001+01:002013-09-17T19:02:31.358+01:00Lost in my own mindMy mind is a maze<div>Of broken thoughts</div><div>And forgotten memories.</div><div><br></div><div>My brain holds me captive</div><div>It refuses to let me go</div><div>And tells me I'm worthless.</div><div><br></div><div>My mind is a prison</div><div>My thoughts are my cage</div><div>My memories are my tormentors</div><div><br></div><div>My brain holds the key</div><div>Far out of my reach</div><div>Torturing me with hopelessness.</div><div><br></div><div>I have so many questions</div><div>That remain unanswered</div><div>That cause me nothing but pain.</div><div><br></div><div>When will I be free?</div><div>When will they release me?</div><div>When will the suffering end?</div>Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-39255011035383081052013-06-01T21:12:00.000+01:002013-07-01T03:31:18.348+01:00Pain that never leavesFading scars<br>
Blunt blades<br>
Signs show<br>
I am in control<br>
<br>
The pain is there<br>
It never left<br>
But<br>
I am in control<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-50981620257669309492013-05-05T22:21:00.001+01:002013-05-05T22:27:28.202+01:00Red & WhiteIt comes again<br />
the urge to see<br />
the red upon the white.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
The blade cuts through<br />
the white shines<br />
red dots appear.<br />
<br />
They gather and trickle<br />
slowly at first<br />
until streams are running.<br />
<br />
The pain of the blade<br />
disappears with<br />
the euphoria of the river.<br />
<br />
Watching the red<br />
cover the white<br />
until there is nothing left.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-51928262860465999742013-04-03T22:14:00.001+01:002013-06-01T21:09:22.480+01:00Goodbyes are painfulIt's been 6 months and I still miss her. I miss seeing her, speaking to her, texting her, chatting to her etc. I miss the fun times we had together. I miss our dinners out and how easily we could talk. I miss being able to share with her. I just miss her.<br />
<br />
I still don't fully understand what went wrong. Sometimes I get upset when something reminds me of her. I haven't got round to deleting her number and every time I see it I hurt a little more. I guess I hoped that one day she'd contact me, let me know why she brought my world tumbling down.<br />
<br />
Maybe I'll never know.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
I'm getting better. I'm recovering from the loss. The process is slow and painful and has many bumps, hills and mountains to traverse but I'm getting there. I no longer wonder what she's doing every day, I can go weeks without something triggering a memory.<br />
<br />
I have other friends, truer friends, friends who I know will never leave me. I'm trying not to leave them.<br />
<br />
I'm in a bad place at the moment. I haven't spoken to anyone about it really because who do I have to speak to? One friend is going through something much darker than me so I don't want to lay anything else on her. Another keeps talking to me as if she's a therapist (her day job) but that's not what I want from a friend so I can't really talk to her. She just challenges me instead of just being there and listening. My other friend who would understand is so happy at the moment I don't want to dull her spark. And that's it, 3 friends I feel I could possibly talk to but don't want to bother. It's not easy.<br />
<br />
Relapse is hard and recovery is harder. I hope I can pull out of this soon and want to leave the house again. I want to want to be sociable.<br />
<br />
Until I am in a better place, just know that what I need from you is understanding, love and space.<br />
<br />
I'm trying, it'll just take a while... <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-77529873654460820312013-03-22T22:20:00.001+00:002013-07-01T11:12:53.888+01:00The lines I drawI can't help but cry<br>
The pain runs in lines<br>
Drops form and congeal<br>
They smart as they start to heal<br>
<br>
Why am I cursed<br>
With this compulsion<br>
To draw lines <br>
upon my skin<br>
<br>
My arm tells a story<br>
My legs are a map<br>
My shoulders show<br>
Their stripes <div><br></div><div>I am a soldier </div><div>Returning from war</div><div>With wounds that</div><div>Tell my story</div><div><br></div><div>My gashes heal</div><div>But new ones are torn afresh</div><div>I have survived one battle</div><div>But I already fight the next</div><div><br></div><div>This is the struggle </div><div>That never stops</div><div>I am within its grasp</div><div>For ever</div><div><br></div><div>What would my old schoolmates say</div><div>If they saw how I had changed</div><div>My body is a roadmap</div><div>Of pain and suffering</div><div><br></div><div>My eyes are blank</div><div>My heart is broken</div><div>My life is ruined</div><div>And I,</div><div>I am dead</div>Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-76824951564451297692013-03-22T18:57:00.001+00:002013-03-24T18:53:03.760+00:00It's a lonely worldIt's a lonely world<br />
up in my head<br />
I see people talking<br />
can't hear what's said<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
It's a lonely world<br />
Here on my own<br />
I see people laughing<br />
Near me they just moan<br />
<br />
It's a lonely world<br />
When you sit apart<br />
I see people smiling<br />
It just breaks my heart<br />
<br />
Those people don't see<br />
I'm sitting right here<br />
Those people don't see<br />
I wipe away a tear<br />
<br />
What kind of world do we live in<br />
When people don't see what's right there<br />
What kind of world can we survive in<br />
When people don't even care<br />
<br />
People are so self absorbed<br />
They don't see the battle I struggle to fight<br />
They don't see the pain or the suffering<br />
They don't see the endless night<br />
<br />
I sit here surrounded by people<br />
They talk, they laugh, they smile<br />
No one seems to notice me<br />
I walk, I run, I hide<br />
<br />
I sit here truly alone<br />
But for the voices in my head<br />
I'm warring with myself you see<br />
They think I'd be better off dead.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-68819036657216443822013-03-22T00:27:00.001+00:002013-03-22T01:10:11.928+00:00WorryWorry<br />
<br />
Worry, it eats away at me<br />
I struggle with the pain<br />
Worry, it consumes me<br />
I struggle to stay sane<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
Sometimes I lose the fight<br />
The worry takes control<br />
Sometimes I lose my sight<br />
The worry is like a black hole<br />
<br />
Anxiety, heartache, misery and woe<br />
Worry has many names<br />
Apprehension, torment, doubt and aggro<br />
Worry tortures me with its clams<br />
<br />
When you love someone<br />
and they are hurting<br />
What can you do but agonise<br />
until they're free from pain<br />
<br />
I try not to let it dominate me<br />
I'm trying to stay on top<br />
I don't want you to worry<br />
I just want you to know I care<br />
<br />
You know who you are,<br />
I love you,<br />
Stay strong,<br />
You can beat this.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-4923426692553006732013-02-24T19:30:00.001+00:002013-02-26T23:46:30.198+00:00Am I a misanthrope?For a few weeks now I've been feeling agitated when I'm around people. I am only at peace when I'm alone and even that peace doesn't find me often.<br />
<br />
More and more I've been wondering whether I'm unhappy because I expect too much from other people. I expect my friends to be there for me 24/7 in case I need them. I expect people to accept me for who I am. I expect people to understand my needs and meet them.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1068229526933139674" name="more"></a><br />
That view is unrealistic. People aren't perfect. You can't expect them to know that you need them. You can't expect them to understand why you're feeling blue.<br />
<br />
I know logically that expecting my friends to be the people I need them to be is unrealistic and that what I expect is something superhuman that no person could be.<br />
<br />
As soon as someone doesn't reply to a message or isn't available when I need them I start wondering: I wonder whether I'm bugging them; if I'm being a pain; if they're ok busy; maybe they just can't be bothered. In the end, it doesn't matter what the real reason is bc I have dug yield a ditch of self doubt and cynicism that feels impossible to climb out of. I stop contacting them so often. I give them space and my feeling of self worth decreases and decreases.<br />
<br />
This level of dependency isn't healthy. I cannot survive when my happiness depends on how others treat me. So I start to withdraw and now I can't cope with being around people. I actively dislike having to be with people. I find them irritating and noisy. I find very little to no pleasure in their company. And this isn't healthy, this is worse than feeling dependant on people because I start to dislike everything.<br />
<br />
I hated myself, I hate others, I hate noise, I hate having to talk to people, I hate having to see people, I hate leaving the house and ultimately I hate leaving my room.<br />
<br />
So I've turned into a misanthrope, someone who hates other people. I know that this is truly a symptom of my depression that returns periodically however I can't help but wonder if I'd be better off being a hermit, living somewhere quiet with no one else around. No noise but the noise of nature, no human life apart from mine, just peace, quiet and solitude.<br />
<br />
I live and I dream that one day I can achieve this peace. Until then, I continue to suffer with my paranoia and misanthropy. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-7UBJuJKucVg/USqKvUtQQrI/AAAAAAAAITI/IE0S_krVXLo/s640/blogger-image--1684002462.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-7UBJuJKucVg/USqKvUtQQrI/AAAAAAAAITI/IE0S_krVXLo/s640/blogger-image--1684002462.jpg" /></a></div>
Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-51311798826206305202013-02-09T22:09:00.000+00:002013-02-17T01:30:09.192+00:00How could you?<br />
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<span style="background-color: white;">I <span class="il">don</span>'<span class="il">t</span> <span class="il">understand</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
Even after all this time</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
How you could do this</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
Such a drastic step</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
Perhaps for you</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
It seemed small</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
Do you know</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
How much you hurt me</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
Whatever I did</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
I didn'<span class="il" style="background-color: #ffffcc;">t</span> deserve this!</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
It's been 3 months</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
And I'm still struggling</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
I struggle to come to terms</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
I had a friend who was no friend</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
For noone who truly cared</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
Could ever do this!</div>
Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-34803027897619525142013-02-04T00:51:00.003+00:002013-05-05T22:22:26.108+01:00ResurrectionI can't break<br />
if I'm already broken<br />
<br />
I can't sink<br />
if I've already sunk<br />
<br />
I can't die<br />
if I'm already dead...<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
This really resonated with me. I've felt this way so often. Sometimes it gets to a point where I feel<br />
<a href="" name="more"></a> like things could never get worse. Sometimes, that means things are on the way up and the next day I'm back on the road to happy again but sometimes it's the red flag that says "hey, take notice, you're in trouble".<br />
<br />
The red flag is a worrying thing. I get scared that I have the capacity to feel so low, to reach the depths I have sunk to, to do the things I have done. Yet, when I reach a better place, I am unreasonably glad that I have lived through my experiences, because they are what has made me the person I am today. <br />
<br />
That person is kind, sensitive and caring. That person has skills to be proud of and valuable knowledge to share. That person is someone her friends can count on and talk to. That person is me.<br />
<br />
These are the things I try to remind myself of when I sink down to the depths of unhappiness. It doesn't always work but it's a reminder that though broken, you can be fixed, though sinking, you can swim, though you may feel like you're already dead, resurrection of spirit is possible!<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://x8b.xanga.com/f83f842a78d33279362518/z222541610.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="http://x8b.xanga.com/f83f842a78d33279362518/z222541610.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sourced from http://jenniferlaaron.xanga.com/756039750/beauty-from-pain-3/</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-40998507661957239212013-01-20T14:29:00.001+00:002013-02-04T00:20:32.602+00:00SnowSnow<br />
<br />
Sitting on my bed<br />
Watching the snow<br />
I feel awful<br />
My thoughts are sluggish and slow<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Sitting on my bed<br />
Wrapped up in my quilt<br />
I feel dreadful<br />
Shaky, emotional, full of guilt<br />
<br />
Sitting on my bed<br />
Nursing my poor throat<br />
I feel guilty<br />
For being scared to brave the road<br />
<br />
The guilt makes my cold<br />
Feel a thousand time worse<br />
The cold makes me<br />
Feel like I've been cursed<br />
<br />
Cursed to feel pain<br />
My head, my throat, my nose<br />
Cursed with fear<br />
Of going out and braving the snow<br />
<br />
A cold is such a stupid thing<br />
Yet it can make one feel so unsure<br />
A cold cannot be cured with meds<br />
How I wish there was a cure<br />
<br />
Yet like everything in life<br />
It's something I must deal with<br />
With all that's happened in the past<br />
You would think I could cope<br />
<br />
Yet my cold makes me feel weak<br />
It makes me feel down<br />
I cannot seem to find the strength<br />
To build myself back up<br />
<br />
This too shall pass.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-79541578849635520942013-01-13T22:40:00.001+00:002013-02-04T00:20:57.064+00:00Recovery<br />
Recovery <br />
<br />
How do you recover from loss?<br />
Do you push the pain aside?<br />
Do you work through the suffering?<br />
Do you deal with the divide? <br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
How do you deal with pain?<br />
Do you push people away?<br />
Do you work through the suffering?<br />
Do you manage to stay?<br />
<br />
How do you manage to stay afloat<br />
when feelings start to drown you?<br />
When nothing seems like it'll be enough?<br />
When life seems to have deserted you?<br />
<br />
Dealing with pain is difficult<br />
Dealing with pain is hard<br />
Dealing with pain can overtake your life<br />
but it's necessary to move on.<br />
<br />
Recovery takes time<br />
Recovering from pain hurts<br />
but after a while <br />
it doesn't hurt so much.<br />
<br />
You'll recover,<br />
in time.<br />
<br />Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-7861367592878021792012-12-29T17:36:00.001+00:002013-02-04T00:21:03.678+00:00GoodbyeGoodbye<br />
<br />
It's sad you know<br />
How times have changed<br />
How life can be so different<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
It's strange you know<br />
To see your news<br />
To see the recent updates<br />
<br />
How far we've come<br />
From speaking most days<br />
To nothing, not even a word<br />
<br />
You, me, as friends<br />
What a hope that was<br />
Now dashed to pieces<br />
Smashed to smithereens.<br />
<br />
I hope you're happy<br />
In whatever you do<br />
I hope you can find peace<br />
<br />
Know this one thing<br />
If you cannot accept <br />
That people have faults<br />
There is always bad with the good<br />
You will never be free.<br />
<br />
I wish you well<br />
I wish you luck<br />
I bid you farewell.<br />
<br />
Goodbye.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-13913822903267478212012-12-27T20:04:00.002+00:002013-02-04T00:21:11.501+00:00Losing TouchMy contacts app tells me<br />
that we are losing touch.<br />
Little does it know<br />
I've already been chucked.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
The app has determined<br />
we have not spoken for a while<br />
But something it does not know<br />
is how my gut fills with bile.<br />
<br />
I've changed from a person<br />
building up, feeling whole<br />
to a ruin turned to rubble<br />
by a demolition ball.<br />
<br />
How do I rebuild myself<br />
start afresh, start anew?<br />
A new job, a new life<br />
I haven't a single clue.<br />
<br />Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-3481024865801436782012-12-14T19:22:00.001+00:002013-02-04T00:21:38.973+00:00Depression is an icebergSadness evolves<br />
Sadness expands<br />
It turns into a sinking ship<br />
That hits an iceberg called depression<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
Once you hit that iceberg<br />
You're going down<br />
There's no escape<br />
You drown.<br />
<br />
Drowning and suffocating<br />
Trying to tread water<br />
Sinking slowly deeper<br />
Down to the bottom.<br />
<br />
Once you hit rock bottom<br />
They say the only way is up<br />
What about those who just sit there<br />
Frozen in place?<br />
<br />
Frozen in time<br />
Doomed forever more<br />
To hide away<br />
And ponder overmuch<br />
<br />
Thinking hurts<br />
Thinking blinds<br />
Thinking turns you<br />
From happy to sad.<br />
<br />
Happiness is all a lie<br />
It never existed at all<br />
It was just a coverup<br />
A mask for all to see.<br />
<br />
Masking the truth<br />
Hiding my fears<br />
Presenting a face to the world<br />
How can I continue to exist?<br />
<br />
My existence is a facade<br />
I pretend to be alive<br />
Inside I feel dead<br />
Numb to the world.<br />
<br />
Being numb is scary<br />
It feels like there's no end<br />
This will never go away<br />
And further I descend<br />
<br />
Sinking down below<br />
I discover new depths<br />
The deepest waters of depression<br />
Close above my head.<br />
<br />
Down and down I go<br />
Sinking forever more<br />
Down and yet further<br />
Til there is no more.<br />
<br />
I've reached the end.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-29996007185949685502012-12-14T18:17:00.001+00:002013-02-04T00:21:43.891+00:00PurgatoryYou ask me how I'm feeling<br />
I smile and say I'm fine<br />
But inside all I'm thinking<br />
Is hold it together, don't whine.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
You ask me how I'm doing<br />
I nod and say I'm good<br />
Yet inside me it's boiling<br />
All held under the hood<br />
<br />
You ask me what's the matter<br />
I turn and say it's nothing<br />
While inside all I feel<br />
Is the heavy weight crushing.<br />
<br />
You ask me where I am<br />
I look and try to reply<br />
But I'm stuck here <br />
Dead in purgatory<br />
<br />
I never spoke about my feelings<br />
I didn't share the gloom<br />
No one noticed the darkness<br />
That enveloped me with doom.<br />
<br />
This doesn't have to happen<br />
It doesn't have to be<br />
All I need is a few kind words<br />
And you could save me.<br />
<br />Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-49385963503314899022012-12-13T22:00:00.001+00:002013-02-04T00:21:49.136+00:00Surprise!Every time I see the name I cry<br />
I struggle to think of it without a sigh<br />
I've worked hard to put it out of my mind<br />
And yet it creeps up and takes me by surprise.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
Every status she posts<br />
Every tweet she tweets<br />
Every time I see her name<br />
I crumble and die a little more.<br />
<br />
Soon there will be nothing left<br />
When you reach rock bottom<br />
You can only go up they say.<br />
<br />
Is this true?<br />
Do I have something to<br />
Look forward to?Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-90567069503350495672012-12-13T21:56:00.001+00:002013-02-04T00:22:09.422+00:00NightI want to cry<br />
I want to die<br />
I want to sleep<br />
This night away.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
I hate the thought<br />
I hate the emotion<br />
I hate the heaviness<br />
Of feeling this way.<br />
<br />
I wish she'd call<br />
I wish she'd text<br />
I wish she'd let me know<br />
If she's ok.<br />
<br />
I want to know<br />
I want to understand<br />
I want to find out<br />
Why she did this to me.<br />
<br />
I wonder whether<br />
I wonder if<br />
I wonder why<br />
She hasn't tried.<br />
<br />
She has the power<br />
She has the right<br />
She shouldn't make me<br />
Feel this unending night.<br />
<br />
The night is dark<br />
The night is bleak<br />
The night will end<br />
Only with sleep.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-30809059090830354082012-12-13T20:43:00.001+00:002013-02-04T00:22:18.046+00:00The scariest thing of all.Do you know what it's like<br />
to be scared?<br />
Every day to wonder.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
Do you know what it's like<br />
when you fear?<br />
You worry about your thoughts.<br />
<br />
Do you know what it's like<br />
to feel this heavy weight?<br />
The burden of depression.<br />
<br />
Do you know what it's like<br />
When a thought terrifies you?<br />
So much that you cry.<br />
<br />
How could you know<br />
Unless you've experienced the same.<br />
How could you feel?<br />
Unless you know the pain.<br />
<br />
I cry<br />
I sigh<br />
I lie<br />
I ask why<br />
<br />
But mostly,<br />
I just try<br />
not to die.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-36419606707804354942012-12-02T07:01:00.001+00:002013-02-04T00:22:23.881+00:00BetrayedHow can someone<br />
Just decide<br />
They no longer<br />
Want to know you?<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
How can someone<br />
Who held your heart<br />
In their hands<br />
Crush it?<br />
<br />
How can someone<br />
Make a decision<br />
To ruin<br />
Someone else's life?<br />
<br />
How can you<br />
Contemplate<br />
Returning to <br />
The poison?<br />
<br />
How does someone<br />
Talk about trust<br />
When it's obvious <br />
They don't know what trust is?<br />
<br />
How can someone<br />
Preach about friendship<br />
When they decide<br />
To ignore their friends?<br />
<br />
How can someone<br />
Have the power<br />
To ruin a life<br />
Simply with rejection ?<br />
<br />
How can I<br />
Continue in this life<br />
When I have been betrayed<br />
By she who I trusted most?Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-6154025033574634972012-11-30T13:47:00.001+00:002013-02-04T00:22:51.780+00:00DespairThese feelings that fill me<br />
They aren't so good<br />
These feelings that threaten to overtake me<br />
They absorb everything else<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
I feel alone<br />
I feel distraught<br />
Constantly at breaking point<br />
I feel despair<br />
<br />
I despair of my life<br />
Ever turning around<br />
I want it to end<br />
To feel better again<br />
<br />
I cannot talk about it<br />
All I want to do is cry<br />
I cannot even tell myself<br />
The reasons why<br />
<br />
I try to distract myself<br />
I try to do other things<br />
But nothing can deter<br />
The overwhelming feeling<br />
<br />
I feel so numb<br />
At times I wish to end<br />
Instead I redirect<br />
The feelings into pain<br />
<br />
It hurts so much<br />
I cannot express the sorrow<br />
In any other way<br />
Except with the pain<br />
<br />
I despair of things changing<br />
I cannot act normal<br />
I attempt other activities<br />
But all I do is retract<br />
<br />
I turn inwards<br />
And silently observe<br />
Until it gets too much<br />
And I have to leave<br />
<br />
So this is it,<br />
The end.<br />
I'm done.<br />
Good bye.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1068229526933139674.post-39191481001984102582012-11-15T17:02:00.001+00:002013-02-04T00:22:56.576+00:00DesolateIt's devastating<br />
When a person you love<br />
Shuts you out.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
Thoughtless actions<br />
Have consequences<br />
Thoughtless comments<br />
Cut and hurt<br />
<br />
But the reaction<br />
Should never be<br />
To alienate your friend<br />
<br />
Can't you see how I feel?<br />
Can't you see I hurt?<br />
Can't you tell how much<br />
Your silence pains me?<br />
<br />
I feel cut to the quick<br />
I feel numb yet <br />
Every nerve is on fire<br />
I feel alone<br />
<br />
My closest friend ignores me<br />
She doesn't respond to me<br />
I feel hurt and alone<br />
I want to disappear<br />
<br />
Doesn't she know I need her?<br />
Doesn't she know I cry?<br />
Can't she tell she's hurting me too?<br />
To a point of no return.<br />
<br />
This is my final call<br />
A call to say goodbye<br />
After this you'll hear no more of me<br />
And maybe I will be at peace.Chttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13013810820365687371noreply@blogger.com