Anxiety and I

There are rules in my head.

Rules that suffocate me,

Rules that control me,

Rules that define me.

My anxiety tells me:

When I can talk;

Who I can talk to;

When I can text;

Who I can text;

How I can phrase my words;

Who I can be relaxed with;

When I can reach out;

Who I can reach out to;

When I can post;

What I can post about;

When I can reply to people;

What I can say;

When I can go out;

Where I can go.

Anxiety is in control,

I don’t have the power.

Anxiety rules my life,

Every single hour.

My life isn’t mine,

It never has been.

People don’t understand, 

My anxiety often can’t be seen.

Anxiety takes over

And tells me what to do.

If I don’t keep the rules

Bad things’ll happen to you, 

Or me, or them, or the world.

Don’t tell me to stay calm,

Don’t tell me not to panic.

Just be there for me,

And help me get through it.

So if I haven’t spoken

to you for a while,

And you feel forgotten,

or ignored.

Know that it’s my anxiety

that stops me.

It’s not that I don’t care,

I do, very much.

And I hate myself for it,

But I can’t change.

Not now anyway.

Maybe one day.

Maybe one day 

you’ll care enough 

to reach out to me

And then the rules won’t stop me.

Maybe one day.

Loneliness is the real killer

It’s my birthday in a few days and I’m sad, I’m angry, and I’m confused.

I know that I haven’t been the best friend.  I’ve been uncommunicative.  I barely leave the house.  I don’t go to meet ups.  In fact, I don’t really do anything but go to appointments.

It might sound lazy but I’ve been this way for a while as a result of the pain and fatigue that come along with my genetic connective tissue disorder.  I can’t walk much any more so I use a wheelchair to get around.  I’m not strong enough to wheel myself so someone else almost always has to push me.  I’m not allowed to drive because of my fainting so I need a chauffeur.  I get exhausted and overwhelmed very quickly due to sensory overload and the stress of trying not to faint.  Every time I exert myself to attend a function, or even an appointment, I am laid up for days afterwards with excessive pain and fatigue that have me moving like a 120 year old and napping like a 2 month old.

I’m almost 31, I have no life, I have no hope, I have no strength.

I can’t keep fighting for people to take notice of me.  I can’t keep fighting to remind people that I exist.  I can’t keep fighting to keep people in my life.  I just can’t keep doing it.

I’ve tried to reach out.  I’ve tried to make my feelings clear.  I’ve tried to tell people how difficult I’ve found things.  I’ve tried to carry on and not let things affect me.

I’m not happy in my isolated little bubble but it’s better than being ignored.  It’s better than getting my hopes up and having them dashed.  It’s better than the anxiety when people don’t respond.  It’s better than feeling depressed when people I thought were my friends don’t seem to care about me anymore.  Life alone is better than life full of rejections.

With everything my health has taken away from me, my ability to walk, my ability to work, my independence, my sense of self worth, this hurts the most.  

I miss my old life, I miss my “good health”, I miss feeling like a person, but most of all, I miss my friends.

Grief consumes me

There is something lacking

Within my soul

I feel an emptiness

Where it should be whole.

I know not what

I know not why

I know not how

I can't identify what I feel

I don't know how to feel

I am scared to feel

And so I block feelings from me

So all I feel is empty

And an all consuming grief

Grief for what could have been

Grief for what I have done

I don't know how to be a friend

I lose them all the time

I don't know what it is I do

That pushes them away

I know not what

I know not why

I know not how

All I feel is sadness

It grips me with it's claws

Digging ever deeper

Scraping at my sores

So here I sit with a tear in my eye

And a broken, empty heart

I need to become a better person

I need to make a fresh start.

Lost in my own mind

My mind is a maze

Of broken thoughts

And forgotten memories.

My brain holds me captive

It refuses to let me go

And tells me I'm worthless.

My mind is a prison

My thoughts are my cage

My memories are my tormentors

My brain holds the key

Far out of my reach

Torturing me with hopelessness.

I have so many questions

That remain unanswered

That cause me nothing but pain.

When will I be free?

When will they release me?

When will the suffering end?

Pain that never leaves

Fading scars
Blunt blades
Signs show
I am in control

The pain is there
It never left
But
I am in control

Red & White

It comes again
the urge to see
the red upon the white.

Goodbyes are painful

It's been 6 months and I still miss her. I miss seeing her, speaking to her, texting her, chatting to her etc. I miss the fun times we had together. I miss our dinners out and how easily we could talk. I miss being able to share with her. I just miss her.

I still don't fully understand what went wrong. Sometimes I get upset when something reminds me of her. I haven't got round to deleting her number and every time I see it I hurt a little more. I guess I hoped that one day she'd contact me, let me know why she brought my world tumbling down.

Maybe I'll never know.

The lines I draw

I can't help but cry
The pain runs in lines
Drops form and congeal
They smart as they start to heal

Why am I cursed
With this compulsion
To draw lines
upon my skin

My arm tells a story
My legs are a map
My shoulders show
Their stripes

I am a soldier 

Returning from war

With wounds that

Tell my story

My gashes heal

But new ones are torn afresh

I have survived one battle

But I already fight the next

This is the struggle 

That never stops

I am within its grasp

For ever

What would my old schoolmates say

If they saw how I had changed

My body is a roadmap

Of pain and suffering

My eyes are blank

My heart is broken

My life is ruined

And I,

I am dead

It's a lonely world

It's a lonely world
up in my head
I see people talking
can't hear what's said

Worry

Worry

Worry, it eats away at me
I struggle with the pain
Worry, it consumes me
I struggle to stay sane