Rules that suffocate me,
Rules that control me,
Rules that define me.
My anxiety tells me:
When I can talk;
Who I can talk to;
When I can text;
Who I can text;
How I can phrase my words;
Who I can be relaxed with;
When I can reach out;
Who I can reach out to;
When I can post;
What I can post about;
When I can reply to people;
What I can say;
When I can go out;
Where I can go.
Anxiety is in control,
I don’t have the power.
Anxiety rules my life,
Every single hour.
My life isn’t mine,
It never has been.
People don’t understand,
My anxiety often can’t be seen.
Anxiety takes over
And tells me what to do.
If I don’t keep the rules
Bad things’ll happen to you,
Or me, or them, or the world.
Don’t tell me to stay calm,
Don’t tell me not to panic.
Just be there for me,
And help me get through it.
So if I haven’t spoken
to you for a while,
And you feel forgotten,
or ignored.
Know that it’s my anxiety
that stops me.
It’s not that I don’t care,
I do, very much.
And I hate myself for it,
But I can’t change.
Not now anyway.
Maybe one day.
Maybe one day
you’ll care enough
to reach out to me
And then the rules won’t stop me.
Maybe one day.
