Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Goodbyes are painful

It's been 6 months and I still miss her. I miss seeing her, speaking to her, texting her, chatting to her etc. I miss the fun times we had together. I miss our dinners out and how easily we could talk. I miss being able to share with her. I just miss her.

I still don't fully understand what went wrong. Sometimes I get upset when something reminds me of her. I haven't got round to deleting her number and every time I see it I hurt a little more. I guess I hoped that one day she'd contact me, let me know why she brought my world tumbling down.

Maybe I'll never know.

I'm getting better. I'm recovering from the loss. The process is slow and painful and has many bumps, hills and mountains to traverse but I'm getting there. I no longer wonder what she's doing every day, I can go weeks without something triggering a memory.

I have other friends, truer friends, friends who I know will never leave me. I'm trying not to leave them.

I'm in a bad place at the moment. I haven't spoken to anyone about it really because who do I have to speak to? One friend is going through something much darker than me so I don't want to lay anything else on her. Another keeps talking to me as if she's a therapist (her day job) but that's not what I want from a friend so I can't really talk to her. She just challenges me instead of just being there and listening. My other friend who would understand is so happy at the moment I don't want to dull her spark. And that's it, 3 friends I feel I could possibly talk to but don't want to bother. It's not easy.

Relapse is hard and recovery is harder. I hope I can pull out of this soon and want to leave the house again. I want to want to be sociable.

Until I am in a better place, just know that what I need from you is understanding, love and space.

I'm trying, it'll just take a while...