Sunday, 24 February 2013

Am I a misanthrope?

For a few weeks now I've been feeling agitated when I'm around people. I am only at peace when I'm alone and even that peace doesn't find me often.

More and more I've been wondering whether I'm unhappy because I expect too much from other people. I expect my friends to be there for me 24/7 in case I need them. I expect people to accept me for who I am. I expect people to understand my needs and meet them.

That view is unrealistic. People aren't perfect. You can't expect them to know that you need them. You can't expect them to understand why you're feeling blue.

I know logically that expecting my friends to be the people I need them to be is unrealistic and that what I expect is something superhuman that no person could be.

As soon as someone doesn't reply to a message or isn't available when I need them I start wondering: I wonder whether I'm bugging them; if I'm being a pain; if they're ok busy; maybe they just can't be bothered. In the end, it doesn't matter what the real reason is bc I have dug yield a ditch of self doubt and cynicism that feels impossible to climb out of. I stop contacting them so often. I give them space and my feeling of self worth decreases and decreases.

This level of dependency isn't healthy. I cannot survive when my happiness depends on how others treat me. So I start to withdraw and now I can't cope with being around people. I actively dislike having to be with people. I find them irritating and noisy. I find very little to no pleasure in their company. And this isn't healthy, this is worse than feeling dependant on people because I start to dislike everything.

I hated myself, I hate others, I hate noise, I hate having to talk to people, I hate having to see people, I hate leaving the house and ultimately I hate leaving my room.

So I've turned into a misanthrope, someone who hates other people. I know that this is truly a symptom of my depression that returns periodically however I can't help but wonder if I'd be better off being a hermit, living somewhere quiet with no one else around. No noise but the noise of nature, no human life apart from mine, just peace, quiet and solitude.

I live and I dream that one day I can achieve this peace. Until then, I continue to suffer with my paranoia and misanthropy.