I know that I haven’t been the best friend. I’ve been uncommunicative. I barely leave the house. I don’t go to meet ups. In fact, I don’t really do anything but go to appointments.
It might sound lazy but I’ve been this way for a while as a result of the pain and fatigue that come along with my genetic connective tissue disorder. I can’t walk much any more so I use a wheelchair to get around. I’m not strong enough to wheel myself so someone else almost always has to push me. I’m not allowed to drive because of my fainting so I need a chauffeur. I get exhausted and overwhelmed very quickly due to sensory overload and the stress of trying not to faint. Every time I exert myself to attend a function, or even an appointment, I am laid up for days afterwards with excessive pain and fatigue that have me moving like a 120 year old and napping like a 2 month old.
I’m almost 31, I have no life, I have no hope, I have no strength.
I can’t keep fighting for people to take notice of me. I can’t keep fighting to remind people that I exist. I can’t keep fighting to keep people in my life. I just can’t keep doing it.
I’ve tried to reach out. I’ve tried to make my feelings clear. I’ve tried to tell people how difficult I’ve found things. I’ve tried to carry on and not let things affect me.
I’m not happy in my isolated little bubble but it’s better than being ignored. It’s better than getting my hopes up and having them dashed. It’s better than the anxiety when people don’t respond. It’s better than feeling depressed when people I thought were my friends don’t seem to care about me anymore. Life alone is better than life full of rejections.
With everything my health has taken away from me, my ability to walk, my ability to work, my independence, my sense of self worth, this hurts the most.
I miss my old life, I miss my “good health”, I miss feeling like a person, but most of all, I miss my friends.