Saturday, 17 May 2014

Grief consumes me

There is something lacking
Within my soul
I feel an emptiness
Where it should be whole.

I know not what
I know not why
I know not how

I can't identify what I feel
I don't know how to feel
I am scared to feel
And so I block feelings from me

So all I feel is empty
And an all consuming grief
Grief for what could have been
Grief for what I have done

I don't know how to be a friend
I lose them all the time
I don't know what it is I do
That pushes them away

I know not what
I know not why
I know not how

All I feel is sadness
It grips me with it's claws
Digging ever deeper
Scraping at my sores

So here I sit with a tear in my eye
And a broken, empty heart
I need to become a better person
I need to make a fresh start.

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Lost in my own mind

My mind is a maze
Of broken thoughts
And forgotten memories.

My brain holds me captive
It refuses to let me go
And tells me I'm worthless.

My mind is a prison
My thoughts are my cage
My memories are my tormentors

My brain holds the key
Far out of my reach
Torturing me with hopelessness.

I have so many questions
That remain unanswered
That cause me nothing but pain.

When will I be free?
When will they release me?
When will the suffering end?

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Pain that never leaves

Fading scars
Blunt blades
Signs show
I am in control

The pain is there
It never left
I am in control

Sunday, 5 May 2013

Red & White

It comes again
the urge to see
the red upon the white.

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Goodbyes are painful

It's been 6 months and I still miss her. I miss seeing her, speaking to her, texting her, chatting to her etc. I miss the fun times we had together. I miss our dinners out and how easily we could talk. I miss being able to share with her. I just miss her.

I still don't fully understand what went wrong. Sometimes I get upset when something reminds me of her. I haven't got round to deleting her number and every time I see it I hurt a little more. I guess I hoped that one day she'd contact me, let me know why she brought my world tumbling down.

Maybe I'll never know.

Friday, 22 March 2013

The lines I draw

I can't help but cry
The pain runs in lines
Drops form and congeal
They smart as they start to heal

Why am I cursed
With this compulsion
To draw lines
upon my skin

My arm tells a story
My legs are a map
My shoulders show
Their stripes

I am a soldier 
Returning from war
With wounds that
Tell my story

My gashes heal
But new ones are torn afresh
I have survived one battle
But I already fight the next

This is the struggle 
That never stops
I am within its grasp
For ever

What would my old schoolmates say
If they saw how I had changed
My body is a roadmap
Of pain and suffering

My eyes are blank
My heart is broken
My life is ruined
And I,
I am dead

It's a lonely world

It's a lonely world
up in my head
I see people talking
can't hear what's said



Worry, it eats away at me
I struggle with the pain
Worry, it consumes me
I struggle to stay sane

Sunday, 24 February 2013

Am I a misanthrope?

For a few weeks now I've been feeling agitated when I'm around people. I am only at peace when I'm alone and even that peace doesn't find me often.

More and more I've been wondering whether I'm unhappy because I expect too much from other people. I expect my friends to be there for me 24/7 in case I need them. I expect people to accept me for who I am. I expect people to understand my needs and meet them.

Saturday, 9 February 2013

How could you?

don't understand
Even after all this time
How you could do this
Such a drastic step